i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
