Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
