Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
