I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
