had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
