K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
