I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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