I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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