my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
