the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
