The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
