A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
