I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
