I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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