I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
