His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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