Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
