I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
