My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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