I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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