if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
