she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
