What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
