speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
