Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
