I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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