she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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