My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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