I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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