he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
