How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
