I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
