So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
