: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
