Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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