Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
