Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
