I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just found a bag of teeth...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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