I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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