Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
