woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
