to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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