I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
