I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
