i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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