I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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