Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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