i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize