anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The best revenge is premature balding
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
