On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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