apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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